An Alcoholic Pastor?!?!

 Just a heads up, this is going to be a long post. But it is very personal and from my heart. So take the time to read...

A few years ago my life was great. I was pastoring the greatest group of people to ever come together to worship God. We were having a blast, serving the Lord, loving one another, and just all around living our lives on purpose. But then one night, I made a bad decision and went somewhere I really shouldn’t have. I thought I could be of help. But I wasn’t. Instead I was put in a position where I had to defend myself against someone I loved dearly. Still love to this day.

The fallout of all of this was tremendous. A lot of people had a lot of things to say, and the media was not so kind to me. Nor were people I had never even met. People I loved walked away. Friendships were shaken. My family was devastated. It didn’t just affect me, but also my wife was constantly hearing about it at work, and our kids were being messed with at school. Everybody had something to say about the pastor that beat a man up. But no one was there that night to know how terrifying it was.

For me, in my mind, I didn’t understand how this could happen. How could I be in this situation? I had given so much of myself to the people I served and this community. I had been fighting the good fight and advancing the kingdom of Heaven. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly had my flaws, in fact, I still have a lot of flaws. But I didn’t understand how God could let me go from serving Him and His name to facing serving hard time. My charges were upgraded to a felony and I was devastated. I found myself very mad at God. I felt like He had betrayed me. I wish I could sit here and type tonight that I had the faith of Peter, or of Daniel, or of Joseph. Shoot, before all of this happened, I honestly thought I had that type of faith. But man, this shook me to my core. And I realized I didn’t have that type of faith.

Because I was hurt and angry at God, I didn’t feel like I could turn to Him. It seemed my world was coming apart and it was having a horrible affect on my marriage and my family. I needed help. I needed escape. And for a while, I began to find that escape in a bottle. I began drinking more than I ever had. I had never believed that drinking in moderation was wrong or sinful. But this was not moderation. I was drinking a lot.  Daily. And I began looking forward to that first drink each day. God wasn’t helping me, but that bottle sure seemed to be. It numbed me to the chaos that was my life.

Things began unraveling for me. I would drink to escape the pain, and then I would wake up and feel the guilt and shame of being a so called “man of the cloth”, but having drunken myself into a stupor the night before. And I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I was afraid, ashamed, and lonely. I was terrified if I told someone, they would judge. So I became one of the things I preached against. I was a hypocrite. And I despised myself for it.

Now, a normal, sane person would at this point in the story decide that they should quit drinking. For me, it had the opposite effect. I drank more. And the worst part, I continued to live my life as a lie, because I continued to lead the church and to preach the gospel on Sundays. As you can imagine at this point, this only led to more guilt and shame. More drinking.

I was becoming aware that this was a problem. I was starting to see I couldn’t live this way. To preach the good news about a God who I was mad at. To tell people how to overcome when I was living defeated. And then I took a second trip to Guatemala to a village with some people I love. It was refreshing. Reinvigorating. I felt God and His presence. I thought everything was going to be okay and that I would no longer have to drink that way. I just needed to leave it alone and commune with God. And I did.

Things began going good. I was feeling good about myself and thought okay, I can just forget about the past year because God has forgiven me. It’s time to continue doing the work. Don’t worry about what has happened or will happen. Just do what you are supposed to do. So I got back into a place of authentic ministry and my marriage started improving. Things were getting better. The church was in a pivotal place and we all prayed and decided to move into a new building as a leap of faith. Life was exciting again!

Until three really awesome things came together at the same time and I wanted to celebrate.  We completed the work on our new location and launched on our decided date. I was able to help my wife get an amazing new job, and my oldest son was graduating high school. This was a “good” reason to get a bottle and have a good time with my wife. We would have a few drinks and have fun. The problem is, something I have learned as an alcoholic, for me, one drink is too many because a thousand is never enough.

That night did not turn out to be fun. It was a terrible and terrifying night and when it was all said and done, I was in jail. Not once, but twice. I had hurt and scared my family. And my life was in ruins.  A lot of fingers could be pointed in a lot of directions about that night, but when it comes down to it, I am responsible for my own actions and I made a choice to jeopardize everything when I brought that bottle of alcohol home. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had come to the place where I knew that I had developed a full blown case of the debilitating and destructive disease known as alcoholism.

Alas, I did not know or admit that then. But I did know that I loved the church I pastored and I could no longer pastor. I was not qualified to be a pastor. Having established the bylaws when we planted, I set up a provision that allowed for my removal from the role by the leadership team if I ever had a moral failure or became disqualified to pastor.  I began talking with the leaders and my accountability team, and let them know I was going to resign. But we decided the best course of action to protect the integrity of the church was for me to be removed from my position so that we could say the church acted swiftly and decisively in her handling of my deplorable actions. Some people have called into question whether things should have been handled differently. I still stand by the leadership to this day in believing we handled my removal the best way we could have.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come though. I had always preached restoration of fallen brothers and sisters. Loving them through their failures and helping them find their way back into the light. I had modeled being there for people and walking with them through pain, suffering, and bad decisions. That was not, however, entirely my experience when I was the one that messed up and needed people around me. And I will not negate for a second that there were a few champions that rose up and embraced me. That tried to help me navigate through the damage I had caused. But that number was few. I had become a leper to most. And in all fairness, I can say understandably so. That didn’t take away the sting though.

So my life in ruins. Feeling alone. My ministry, and name tarnished. And the most painful part of all... I had disgraced the name of Jesus Christ. I was supposed to be His ambassador. I failed Him miserably. I failed my wife and children miserably. I failed the church miserably.

What do we suppose happens now? Well, I drank. I drank and made bad choices. I drank and got behind the wheel of a vehicle. I drank and I got a DUI. Then I drank some more and almost died. Then I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore.  My wife and I were separated. I now had 3 criminal charges against me.  I didn’t want to do that anymore. I needed to stop drinking for a while. At least until my life was better and it was “safe” for me to resume drinking in moderation and on special occasions again.

I sobered up. I began getting in God’s word and spending time with Him. I knew He could help restore my marriage. I knew He could help me. Looking back today though, with clear eyes, I see that I was using God for what He could do for me. But it was working. I faced the consequences of my actions and was able to make reparations in my marriage. After a long summer, I finally came home.

I wish I could tell you that is when things finally got better, but I can’t. There was still too much going on within me that I wasn’t even honest with my therapist about. And I still had in my head that I was okay, that alcohol wasn’t the problem. I still believed that the problem was everything that had happened externally. Because I didn’t really dig into the root of the problems, which were me, inevitably it was all going to come down on me again and it didn’t take long.

Not long after returning home, since our marriage was being worked on, my wife and I thought we could have a couple drinks here and there like “normal” people. Insane, right? But that is what we thought. And that is what we did. At first it was okay. A couple little hiccups here and there, but no big deal. But it didn’t take long for the drinking to progress. Alcoholism is, after all, a progressive and fatal disease if not treated.  I still had way too much resentment in me. I still hadn’t fully accepted responsibility. I was still mad at myself and the world. Honestly, I still harbored resentment even towards God. Plus, there was still a felony trial looming over my head. I was so nervous about it. I knew God was going to show up in it, but I couldn’t believe that over my fear and anxiety.

Finally the trial date came and God really did show up and show out. The charges were dropped mid trial when it was admitted and confirmed that I was assaulted and attacked that night almost two years prior when I responded in self defense. The night my life fully began a descent into madness. The news stations picked up the story of my case being dismissed and led the evening news with the story. I had been vindicated! Happy ending, right?  No. Because I still hadn’t addressed the issues within me.

I continued drinking after the charges were dropped. I was so selfish and inconsiderate. But in my mind, I thought if you had been through what I had been through, you would drink too.  Then to top things off, the person I loved that attacked me died very unexpectedly and in a tragic manner.  This led to more drinking. 

It wasn’t long though before I finally began to see for the first time that my circumstances were not causing the problem. I was the problem. And alcohol was what I used to cope with myself.  I decided it was time to quit drinking. Again though, I thought, at least until I’m healthy in my mind and spirit. Then I can have a drink every now and then, like “normal” people.  While I knew that alcohol had become a problem in and of itself, I honestly still did not know the extent of it.

So I quit drinking and things got quite a bit better. Not perfect, just better. I still had issues within me that had not been addressed. Alcohol just magnified them. I started making, for the most part, good choices again. At least I thought I was in my twisted mind. Without the bottle in my life, it was becoming marginally manageable. And 2020 arrived. My world, just like everyone else’s was shaken. COVID was spreading and the world was coming to an end, and only the hoarders could take care of their paperwork after taking care of their business #2.  All the “normal” people are making the best they can of it, and the memes start flying around about the youngest generation will have been homeschooled by day drinkers. Drinking helped people cope with the fear of the still scary pandemic.

I could do that too you know? Have a couple drinks and not stress over the pandemic. Let loose and have a little fun. I have only drank twice in the past six months, so surely its not big deal? I mean, I’m in a good place, a small bottle won’t hurt, right? So it began.

I initially picked up one small bottle that was split with my wife. The next weekend, since we had a good time and were able to “control” it, I got more. And the next weekend even more.  Then even more.  In six weeks it went from one pint over the weekend at the onset of quarantine, to on my last weekend drinking, two half gallons and a fifth of rum. 

I had my last drink on May 4th, 2020. The day I woke up in jail without a clue why I was there. The day I woke up. The day I admitted I have a problem and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not go on like that any longer.  The day my life changed.  I woke up in that jail cell and I cried out to God. Not with any pretenses. I cried out to Him to please help me. Not to help me get out of jail. To help me live life. To take control of my life. To get me the help I didn’t know before that I needed. I was a pastor you see, I had it all figured out. But that day I realized I didn’t have anything figured out and that the only answer to my living problem was God. I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to quit drinking and to learn how to live. I was ready to address that I am the problem. And I knew I needed help to do it. I knew I needed treatment.

When I got out of jail, I began making calls, trying to get help. I called several treatment centers trying to get in. That’s when God spoke the name of an old friend to me. I called my old friend who has helped a lot of people overcome addiction. He said, “Man, I know a place that would be perfect for you.” He told me the name of a place I will forever be grateful for when he said, “Let me call Serenity Park and I will call you tomorrow.” I was going through some mild DT’s from my weekend binge. But I was not going to go back to the bottle. I was done. I toughed it out and the next day he called me. He let me know he had talked to them and I was supposed to call. So I called. I told them everything in a nutshell. And I told them I couldn’t live this way anymore. I needed help. The awesome young woman I talked to told me that she would talk to her supervisors and see what they could do. I had lost my job so I didn’t have insurance.

What is insurance to God though? He has the cattle on a thousand hills. And when we turn to Him with truly repentant, genuinely broken hearts, He provides in ways we cannot imagine.  The lady, who is the intake coordinator, eventually  called me back and told me that I had been accepted. I asked how I was going to pay? She let me know that it was taken care of. I just needed to show up.  So I did.  And it was literally one of the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life.

At Serenity Park I had to confront face to face not only my alcoholism, but also my own selfish and sinful nature. I learned how to cope. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to live in the day. I learned that yes, God’s grace is sufficient, but it is sufficient only for each day. That is why we are not supposed to dwell too much on yesterday, or to worry about tomorrow. Today is what is here. Today is what is in front of me. And today is all I have. I learned that I am only in control of my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. I learned that people don’t make me get upset, I let myself get upset at people. And I learned that what I could not do on my own, God most certainly could if I would get out of the way and let Him.

I completed treatment at Serenity Park on June 8th and began the process of rebuilding my life.  I have been letting God work on me. I have been letting God change me. I have been letting Him heal me. And while I still fail, I have learned to take a daily inventory of where I am at, confess my wrongs to God, and learn from my mistakes. I am seeing health in every area of my life. Each day gets better.  I don’t have everything figured out, but I do have two things figured out... 1)  I am an alcoholic and I can never have a drink again. I have peace with that. I understand I can’t do what others do. I have the disease of alcoholism and it will never go away. It’s only in remission as long as I don’t have a drink. 2) I have to depend on God daily,  every day. A friend of mine told me that I have been fired from managing my life and that I am not eligible for rehire. From this point forward, I answer to God directly. That made perfect sense to me.

So that’s what I keep doing, every day. One day at a time. And it is amazing. God has gone over and above in providing. He opened the door for a better job. He has met every need. He has displayed Himself in such miraculous ways. Even to the point that when I went to court for my final jailing, the charges were dropped and the case was dismissed. Yes, He truly does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.

Now I’m going to end this story for tonight, but before I do, I want to say a couple of things:

1. If you experienced hurt from me in any way, I want you to know I am so immensely sorry. I truly apologize to every one I hurt. I know there are so, so many people that got caught in the wake of my path of destruction. I apologize from the bottom of my heart if you feel hurt or betrayed by any of my actions. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many things I wish I could undo. But I can’t. Just know that I am committed to my recovery and I am committed to Jesus. It is my intention to never have another drink and to live the rest of my life according to God’s will and ways.

2.  God is not responsible for my actions or the things I have done. I am. I have said countless times to many, many people not to put me on a pedestal because I would let them down. So if you have lost sight of God because of me, God is not the one who let you down. A broken, sinful man that desperately needs Jesus on a daily, moment by moment basis let you down.  I am not God and I have stopped pretending otherwise. God is God and I can’t live without Him.

3. No matter what you are facing, no matter what you have done, if you will turn to Him, if you will accept responsibility and make the appropriate changes with a repentant heart, you cannot imagine the blessings that you will experience. Your blessings may not be the same as mine, but I promise you, in Him you can truly find a peace that surpasses understanding.

4. If you or someone you love is struggling with alcoholism or drug addiction, please don’t be afraid to get help. Reach out to me. I will do my best to point you in the right direction.  And you can always call Serenity Park at 501-313-0066. Someone will answer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You will not find a better place to find healing from you addiction. You can also check their website at serenityparkrecovery.com.

5. I don’t know what the rest of my life looks like. I try to just focus on today. But I do know that I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and I owe everything to Him. I should be dead. Multiple times over. But He has not only saved me, He has also spared me. That leads me to believe that while my focus is on today, I can see how each day keeps getting better and better, and the best is yet to come! Don’t give up hope. Your life has value and meaning. God woke you up today, same as He did me. That means He is not through with us. I don’t know about you, but I am tired of wasting my life. So I am going to take it as it comes, one day at a time, constantly chasing Jesus to the best of my ability.

Lastly, I just want you to know, if you are reading this, you are most likely on my friends list. That means I love you. And for those that may read this that I don’t know, I love you too. I am praying that my story may help someone. Maybe it is for the person that thinks “that could never happen to me”.  Maybe it is for the person that is struggling to overcome, maybe this is the reminder that when we admit our problem and surrender it to God, He will deliver us.  Or maybe it is for someone that has despised me and not been able to grasp how it all happened and just wanted some answers.  I have not gone into great detail on everything. But this is the summary of how I fell, and what I thought and felt as I was falling. That doesn’t mean that my thoughts or feelings were always accurate. It is just how I felt and thought when I was going through it. That being said, I am praying, literally praying that this open letter, post, whatever you want to call it makes a difference in someone’s life. Because it is not a story about me. This is God’s story in my life. This is my testimony. And we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony. You are in my prayers and I send my love to you.

-Derek

Guatemala 2018 In Review

3/20/18 - Guatemala

I have been in Guatemala for 5 days now and am currently in Joconal Village. And I know God is with me. The team arrived without any problems on Saturday night just as they were supposed to. We got back to the Leiva Home pretty late, so they only had the opportunity to meet Geovanni and Armando that night. Shaun and Allison rode in the truck with Armando and I so I could brief them on what things would be like, and Tony and Melissa rode with Geo since they have been here before. We got back to the house and went to bed.

When we woke up on Sunday morning, as is the custom here, everyone was very cordial and happy to see each other. The team was warmly welcomed by the entire Leiva family. I could tell everyone was beginning to experience the same peace I have been experiencing here. After introductions and breakfast, we began loading the trucks to embark on our journey to the village. Tony, Shaun, and myself rode with Armando, and the girls rode with Geo and Norma. We had quite a wonderful ride out as we discussed God, each other, listened to some country western music, and just enjoyed each other’s company. We had very little traffic since it was a Sunday.

On the ride out, I pondered and thought about many things and how God would use each of us, but more importantly, how He would work in each of us. I knew that every person on this trip was here for a reason. But I also knew there would be many important conversations that needed to take place. I prayed for wisdom and guidance in those conversations, and that while they may be difficult conversations in nature, that God would give me the words and the conversations would be a blessing. Usually it is the hardest conversations that God works most powerfully through.

We arrived in the village after our long ride, and were warmly welcomed by the villagers. First we saw Paulino at his house, and then made our way on up the mountain. Rosbin was at the farm house and I was so overjoyed to see him. I had been praying for him for so long and wanted to know how God has been working in his life. But I also knew that Armando had already told me about the fact that Rosbin was not growing as much as I had hoped.

The villagers helped us unload and bring our stuff in and we set up our sleeping arrangements. A tent for me and Shaun, Tony in a hammock, the girls in a room, and Geo set up in the room with his parents. Of course this was after convincing Norma that us boys didn’t need the room and we would rather have Armando and Norma in the bed than for us to put her out.

After setting up, we made our way over to the Sold Out Church / Water Wishes Dam that we built last year and we began praying. Geo prayed, then Armando in Spanish, the “language of Heaven”, and then I closed us out. Afterwards we came back to the farm house and had dinner. It was the delicious staple of Guatemalan cuisine, black beans, eggs, and tortillas with fresh papaya.

After dinner, we discussed the plans for Monday. Once everyone knew what they were to do, we than began talking about how God led each of us here. To hear the stories of everyone’s journey was powerful. The things that brought us all here and how we got here was quite amazing. And you could see how God had woven everything together for each of us. Just listening to the stories was a reminder that God had each of us here for various reasons. But for each of us, I think it was meant to be a time of renewal.  One story in particular that stood out was Pastor Tony’s, as it was perhaps only the third time I have witnessed tears flow from his eyes in the entire 14 years I have known him.  I began to get excited about all God was going to do, but also became acutely aware that one of the conversations I was needing to have needed to take place that very night.

I pulled one of the team members to the side and began talking and discussing everything. And praise God, they listened and realized they needed to leave home at home and focus on what God wanted for them here. This team member has a hard time at times letting God maintain His proper place of sovereignty and tries to frequently take control of situations that are definitely His to control. And here in Joconal Village, there is nothing we can control back home. So it teaches us that we have to really let go and surrender our needs and worries to Him. The conversation was received very well and the team member clearly was less anxious afterwards. I was very thankful for this first Holy Spirit conversation.

After showering I prepared for bed and had an opportunity to have the conversation that I was most reluctant to have, but also the one I knew I needed to have the most. I prayed before engaging, and then initiated the conversation. I listened as God began tugging the team members heart strings and they began opening up with me about everything. The tears poured out of the team member as they confessed the spiritual war they had been facing and the damage it was wreaking in their life.  I used my recent experiences and what God has shown me through those experiences to encourage and lead them how to overcome. When it was all said and done, the team member and I prayed, and I knew, God was doing a big thing. A really really big thing that only He could do.  After that conversation I went to bed believing God for more miracles.

We woke up yesterday morning and had a light breakfast, then began our grueling work day. The day consisted mainly of shoveling. We dug holes all day long. One for a grease trap, one for a septic tank, and one for gray water. And we bagged and bagged and bagged dirt all day long for bags to shore up and level the land where the tanks will all be. Shaun has been such a valuable asset to the team and the village because of his plumbing knowledge. I know the project could not have gone as well as it has without his expertise.

We got a lot accomplished, but there was still more to be done. Including supper. Which was the annual Spaghetti Night in the village. Norma made some delicious spaghetti and it was so good! Everyone ate to their hearts content and throughly enjoyed. Rosbin and his wife Cindy were able to dine with us and after dinner, something I had been praying about came to pass.

Armando, Geovanni, Norma, and myself were able to sit with Rosbin and Cindy and discuss God and marriage. Of course this was a huge deal because after last year when I was able to personally minister to him, I had been wondering how they were doing. Unfortunately, he had not been reading with his family as I had hoped, but we did get to talk about it and he plans to start. I actually gave him a place to start that would be beneficial to him and his family. Also during the conversation, Armando talked to him about getting married in a covenant with God, even before he is able to go to the city to get his marriage license. It must be noted that him getting to the city is not an easily accomplished task. It is about 6 hours away on a good day. They want to get married legally, but given their context, they could at least make it right with God and get married in His eyes in a covenant so that they are no longer living in sin.

Another good thing to come out of the conversation was that Norma was finally able to open up and talk to Cindy. Something she had been wanting to do, but the right situation had alluded them up until that point. But on that night, Norma was able to tell Cindy all about her faith and how she views Cindy and the ladies in the village. This was important not only to Norma, but you could tell that it meant a great deal to Cindy.

After the conversation with Cindy and Rosbin, the team and the Leiva’s had a devotional and everyone began opening up about how God was working in them. It was powerful to hear how God was moving so profoundly in everyone, and tears abounded around the table. We all cried as we shared and poured out our hearts. It was a very moving experience that I will always cherish. I remember specifically thanking God for how He was working in us.

3/26/18 - Guatemala

I have since now returned home, but wanted to finish sharing about our experiences in Guatemala and how God was glorified in us and through us.

The following day, our second full day in the village, we began with breakfast at 7am and then went to work. We had a lot to do. We packed bags for the wall we were building, as well as moved over all the blocks that were purchased for the trap and septic tank. There were over a hundred blocks we had to move about 75 yards. Additionally, wood was split pretty much all day,  mostly by Tony. This was so that Goya, who is now 62 years old, wouldn’t have to do it all. We wanted to leave her with plenty of wood for her cooking for the farm workers.

It was on this day that we all laughed until tears were flowing in our eyes because at lunch, Allison finally got to sample a “sweet berry”. Her reaction was priceless. And she continued making us laugh hysterically when the wall began crumbling because I dug too close to it, so she blamed herself and was very upset to the point of tears that Armando would be upset with her. This of course moved us all to tears of laughter! It was one of the funniest parts of the trip and something we will all remember for years to come.

Shaun of course didn’t get to partake in the laughter as he was too busy working on the grease trap, and the sink that had a very slow drain so that it was filling up before it could drain. Shaun was relentless in his pursuit to use his plumbing skills to make sure he accomplished all he possibly could while in the village. I’m telling you, he is like the plumbing terminator. He is a machine.

This day also ended with a devotion and all of us just talking about God’s activity, which was quite a bit. We could see Him all around us. In our work, in the people, and in His creation. There is just something very special about this place and how God is working there.

Then came the last full day in the village. It was a beautiful day and consisted of finishing up our projects that we had started. There were a few more blocks to be moved, as well as some concrete sand. We hooked up the grease trap and tied the sink into the line. It worked perfectly. You could see the grease and soap waste collecting on the trap side, and the gray water flowing through to the other side, and into the gray water hole.  Shaun had did it! Of course we never doubted him, but it was great to see it working. Also on this day, the preschool kids had us come in and they sang to us the song I played for them, “Cristo Me Ama”, or “Jesus Loves Me”. It was very touching and moving to see they had learned the lyrics just so they could sing them to Jesus in front of us.  We were also able to present the kids at the school with some donated toothbrushes and toothpaste, as well as educate them on how to use them.

After lunch, we began our hike up the mountain to the Honduras border. This year, everyone on the team went, and something new developed between Paulino, the farm foreman and myself. You see, Paulino is to Armando what Eric is to me. And as we began ascending the mountain, 3 distinct groups developed. In the lead was Shaun and Geovanni. In the rear was Melissa, Allison, Tony, and Armando. Tony was waiting on the girls, and Armando was spurring them on. The middle group was myself, and Paulino. Having lost 22lbs since last year, I was able to tackle the mountain at a much better pace. Tony wanted me to go ahead and push myself, so he waited on the girls. So I was going along at my own medium pace, as I could not keep up with Geo and Shaun. Paulino could have went ahead, as he could probably sprint up the mountain. But he didn’t. He refused to leave me. He stayed with me to make sure I was safe. He would not let anything happen to me. And it struck me, Paulino would have laid down his life on that mountain for me if needed. 

As we approached the final summit, I was wearing out. I looked up, and Paulino was cutting a good size branch out of a tree with his machete. He cut the branches growing from it off, and cut a dull point in the end. He had made me a walking stick to help with the final push up the mountain. This meant so much to me. He would not let me fail. He was there for me. Like the Holy Spirit, he was leading me and with me every step of the way. He even gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it to accomplish the task before me.

As we made it to the summit, we took pictures and he stood over me in one, on top of the Guatemala / Honduras marker as I sat at the base. I love this picture because he is silently standing watch over me, protecting me.  When Tony, the ladies, and Armando finally arrived, we took more pictures, and to our excitement, got to call our families!!! I finally got to hear Amie’s voice again because Melissa’s phone was picking up a signal at the 6,000’ elevation and she had purchased the international plan. Everyone was excited to be able to update our families.

After making my call, while the others were making theirs, Paulino used my Buck Knife to carve my name into my walking stick. I wanted to be able to bring it home, but knew it would not be possible. I tried to figure out what I would do with it as we began our descent down the mountain.  When we reached the bottom, I showed it to Goya, and she told me she would put it up in her room, and then, from now on, when I am in the village, it would be there waiting on me. This was such a touching gesture. 

Once we got cleaned up and came down for dinner, Manuel, the village pastor was there at the farm house. He and I began a conversation with Armando translating. At first the conversation was not going so well, but then Manuel began to open up. We talked about our struggles as pastor’s and how we could pray for each other, our families, and those we serve. At the end of the conversation, I had the opportunity to pray with Manuel. And as the tears streaked down his cheeks, I knew God had used me. He was invited to join us for dinner, our last in the village.

When dinner was concluded, I felt it pressed upon my heart to gift Paulino with my Buck Knife. Part of me wanted to question God on this, but I knew it was the right thing. And Paulino was very moved by the gesture. He then used it to carve the Sold Out Cross onto my walking stick. I will always think fondly of him and this act.

After dinner, the team also occupied themselves playing with the children. We played futbol, tickled, and laughed with them. It was great watching young Donnie and Leo talking smack to Tony and Shaun as they played. Those boys are really good. Lots of great pictures were taken that night as we knew our trip was concluding.

We all talked and had our last devotion in the village. We shared all of our stories and laughed, cried, prayed, and just worshipped God and His goodness. We knew that while we had been a blessing to the village, they all blessed us even more.

That night, we packed our belongings and prepared to depart the village the next day. The team all laughed while packing as we recounted our experience and began planning for our next trip.

The following morning, we woke up, with a bit of bittersweet emotion in the air. We all wanted to see our families, but none of us wanted to leave the people we have all come to love so much.  There is so much in me that wants to live in that village for the rest of my life and plant a SOC there. But I know God has to confirm that.

We began saying our goodbyes to our family in Christ. The tears were plentiful, as were the smiles. This village loves Sold Out Church, and we love this village. I am so thankful God has led us there to help the Leiva’s fulfill their vision for the village.  It is such a blessing to be able to join in where God is already working.

Once the trucks were loaded, we all got in and began the long journey back to Guatemala City. Me, Tony, and Shaun rode with Armando again, and Allison, Melissa, and Norma all rode with Geovanni. As we traveled, we talked about God, politics, sexuality, and the plight of our young people today. We also listened to every kind of music you can imagine during what would turn out to be a 10 hour trip back to the city.  Along the way, we stopped at a roadside cantina and had authentic Guatemalan Empanadas. Some had frijoles, some had carnitas, and some had queso. All were absolutely delicious!!!

We finally made it back to the city and to the Leiva home. Geo’s family was all excited to see us, and Karina laughed at all of our stories and videos. I was overcome with emotion, knowing it will be awhile before I see these amazing people again. My part of the trip was over, and the rest of the team would be leaving the following evening.

When Geo, Tony, and Shaun took me to the airport, I cleared security and had two hours before boarding my flight. And I began taking in all God had done.  I watched as He performed miracles to get me there. I rejoiced as He performed miracles in me and showed me how families are to be. And I thanked Him repeatedly as I considered how He had changed every team member that came. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the people that arrived in Guatemala the preceding Saturday night were not the same people that were to be leaving the following evening. God had changed them. He changed all us. And in doing so, He also changed a village. They got to see the love of Jesus Christ personified in a few crazy Americans that love Him so much they were willing to go and use their gifts, talents, and resources to impact the least of these. And we got to see that even the least of these can be the greatest of these because of their great love for Him.

I thank God that He has introduced us to the Leiva’s. I thank God that He has incorporated Joconal Village into the mission and ministry of Sold Out Church. I thank God that He generously gives to us so we can generously give to others resulting in thanksgiving to Him. And I thank God, most of all for Jesus Christ. The reason I have meaning. The reason I have purpose. Jesus has forgiven of my sins and uses me in spite of me. He opens doors so that His name might be lifted high. The name above all names. The One who was dead and is alive again. He transforms and renews. 

“Thank you God for all you have shown me on this trip. Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me. For giving your life. Thank you for your miracles. And I cannot wait to see all you have in store for me, my family, Sold Out Church, the city of Conway, and Joconal Village. You are worthy. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Guatemala - First Morning

It is my first morning here in Guatemala, my second day. I am currently sitting outside in the back of the Leiva’s home and have been talking with Geo. And I am just awed by what God has done so far.

Yesterday, when I first cleared security at the airport, I began sensing His peace. Like, wow, this is really happening. God and His sovereign hand have made away for me to return to this place that is holy for me. I have never been to the Holy Land, but this place is a holy land for me. Maybe it is the mountains, maybe it is the culture, but specifically, it is the people.

I was able to ride with Armando yesterday and catch up. And immediately my brother in Him began exhorting me. Just his love for God and God’s people. He has lived a long time for the Lord, and is a great mentor. His presence is a comforting assurance. He makes me think of what God must be like. We talked of many things. And poured out our hearts about God’s people. I knew God had something for me here, and Amie had prayed for a spiritual reawakening. I am experiencing it.

Last night, I got to listen to all the love shared by this family as they opened gifts. And you could see the genuine love they share for each other. I was smiling, laying in the bed in my little room listening to their laughs and yells. I could have participated I’m sure, but I didn’t want to intrude and wanted them to have their time together.

This morning, as we all woke up, again, godly love in a family was displayed as everyone greeted each other with hugs and holy kisses. There were no morning attitudes, just joy at facing the day together as a family. At breakfast, the laughs abounded.

Then Geo and I came outside to read the bible and talk. And he opened up with me about a bible study he is leading at his Crossfit Box. Seeing his passion and listening to him as he talked about the people he is in the study with made my heart rejoice. They are even leading a Muslim to Christ! 

One thing he said really hit me. Geo is very big on nutrition and exercise. Both of which require intense dedication and discipline. He is committed to them. And he said the reason he can lead that study is he is as committed to Jesus as he is to them. He mentioned that in sharing with his group, they had to be disciplined and it takes time. But you have to dedicate yourself to loving the Lord your God with mind, body, and soul. You have to work hard at it. But in time, it gets easier and easier.

It made me think of how lax I have become in my spiritual disciplines. Even my physical disciplines, if I am to be quite honest. So here I am, learning my lessons. God is teaching me. Just as I knew He would. I have to refocus on the things spiritually that I have been lacking in. I have to focus on my body where I have been failing. With the same commitment I have been making in my marriage.

I know that God is going to use me on this trip. I will be a blessing. But I also know I will be the recipient of some of the greatest blessings.

“God, thank you for this oppurtunity. Use me and teach me. Show me your ways. And allow me to be your hands and feet. Forgive me of my failures, but let me learn from them to be everything you created me to be. May this be a time of revival. And may lives be changed, here and back home, for your glory! You deserve all the praise!!! In Jesus’ name. Amen”

Keep Going

Just got back from C3 conference and as always, it was phenomenal. This year was really cool because my favorite preacher, Steven Furtick, was there. And he preached a message that really spoke to me.

His message came out of Kings where Elisha is dying. He tells the king to get his bow, grab some arrows, and shoot his enemy. He then goes on to tell him to strike the ground. He never says how many times to strike the ground, only to strike the ground. The king, who I suppose had grown weary, stops after 3 times. And that is when Elisha informs him that if he had kept going, even only to 6, he would have been completely victorious. But because he stopped at 3, he will not see victory.

I find it interesting that where he stopped was only half of what he needed to do. And that spoke to me. Immensely. I have to keep pressing on. And maybe right now I am at three. So I am halfway there. Or maybe I am not even that far along. The point is, whether I have struck the ground once, twice, or even three times, it is not time to give up. I am to keep on until God tells me to quit. And HE HAS NOT EVEN HINTED IT IS TIME TO QUIT.

Sometimes I let my own worries, my own fatigue get to me, but I am not doing this for me. I am doing it for God. So quitting is not allowed. I must press on until He says so. And if I do, I will find complete victory.

God has shown me what victory looks like in our context. I know where we have to go. So I just need to keep on doing what He has instructed, and the victory will come. This was such a timely message for me. Even though it gets hard, and sometimes I feel drained, God called me to do it. He knows my limits. As long as I keep responding to Him, doing what He has asked, what He keeps asking, He will give me all I need to keep going. To complete victory. That is assuring. That is comforting. His promise is enough. I know my call. And that is the thing. It is not my call. It is His call. I just have to keep responding. Thank you God for reminding me of that. And thank you for doing it in a voice I recognize as yours. Exactly what I needed.

So now I will keep pressing on. Keep doing as I have been told. Moving forward to fulfill the vision. Forward to 400 and onward to completion. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. It means too much.

Dedication is the Difference

I was doing some studying on dedication tonight and with the understanding that approx. 2.1 billion people identify as Christian and only about 70 million identify as communist, I found the following information very insightful...
"What distinguishes the Communist movement from most others and makes it possible for so small a minority to make so great an impact upon our time is the dedication of the average individual and the immense and dynamic force this represents when all those individuals collectively make their contribution to the cause." - Dedication and Leadership by Douglas Hyde
It makes me think of how such a small party has shaped the world so immensely in the past 100 years with such a small amount of people identifying themselves as such. Imagine if the 2.1 billion Christians in the world were as dedicated to their cause as the 70 million Communists, how different would the world look?
To get on a simpler level, you Christian, how different would the world look if you were as dedicated as the average Communist? Again, from Douglas Hyde, "There is no mystery about the indisputable fact that Communists exert an influence out of all proportion to their numbers, once one grasps the point that practically every party member is a dedicated man in whose life, from the time he rises in the morning till the time the goes to bed at night, for 365 days of the year, Communism is the dominant force."
How is it that a Communist can be so dedicated to a worldly ideal that such a small number can make a big difference, and yet we Christians, dedicated to an eternal decision with eternal consequences are not the driving force in the world today? Maybe the answer is right in front of us. Dedication. It said that the Communists are so dedicated that from the time they rise until the time the got to bed, 365 days per year, they are dedicated to the cause. Are you dedicated to the eternal cause of Jesus Christ? Or are you only dedicated to the cause of feeling good about yourself because you checked off the box by showing up to church?
Dedication requires sacrifice and giving oneself completely over to a cause. What cause could be greater than the eternal cause of making disciples of all nations and baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and teaching them to obey everything Jesus has commanded and knowing that surely He is with us until the end of the age? Maybe it is time we look in the mirror and ask are we dedicated to the cause of Christ, our Father's business, advancing the kingdom. Or are we dedicated to feeling good about myself now and going through the motions of being a Christian without true dedication to the cause. #AreYouDedicated

His Way and Live or My Way and Die

I am a church planter. The path God has led me down is not the typical path for your modern, trendy church planter. Everyone knows that hurting people are not the best people to start a church plant with. And yet, I was called to plant a church that was still healing after being a part of a church that closed it’s doors.

Thankfully, even when the odds are stacked against you, if you just trust God and do as He says, if you exhibit faith, you will find that he gives everything needed to accomplish what He has called you to do.

This is such a blessing because there have been so many things in the past 4 1/2 years that without trusting that God provides, we would have already quit. But we have experienced that if you just listen to God, no matter what people are saying, He will deliver you through the trials. This had to have been true for Noah.

I mean, think about it… Noah was a good man, a righteous man. In fact he was the one righteous man of his generation. Because of his righteousness and good standing with God, when God decided to destroy the whole world, he was not willing to destroy Noah and his family. So God gave Noah instructions on what he needed to do. He told him to build a boat. A very specific type of boat with very specific building instructions to weather the very specific storm that was coming.

Most of us know how this played out. Noah did what God asked him to do. He built the boat. To the dismay of his contemporaries. One can only imagine the slander they must have been throwing at Noah. They did not understand what God was up to. And they were unwilling to listen to Noah, even though Noah tried to ask them to repent and help him to build the boat. For their disobedience, they all ended up dying in the flood. If hey had just listened to God’s messenger, His vision keeper, they would have made it.

Sometimes people need to realize that God delivers a message to a person and he expects others to trust the messenger based on the reputation and Godly character of the messenger. But usually, people don’t want to hear. They want to live their own ways, following their own direction, because they think they know best. They are unwilling to listen to the man of God. They are unwilling to trust his message. They instead decide they have things figured out and in the end, end up dying a death of sorts.

So the question is, who will we be? Will we be the type of people that make fun of Noah and call him names behind his back? Or will we be the type of people that will trust God’s anointed do what is necessary for us to do in order to make it to the next level? Will we drown in a flood, or will we push through to see a brand new world with many messengers to do the work of the Lord?

Maybe today you are at a cross roads. Maybe today you are struggling with what to do. Be assured, if the way you are handling a situation has caused you to handle it outside of the way God has described in His word how to handle situations, then you are sinning. And if you are in sin, then how can you be in God’s will? If you are in sin, maybe it is time to get back under God’s authority and listen to His anointed and remember, He did not give you the instructions on how to build the boat anyway. He just wants you to trust His messenger. It’s your choice… Trust the messenger, build the boat and live. OR do you own thing, and die. What will you do?

Duck (Repent) Before You Get Slapped!!!

Remember the bracelets that used to say WWJD? "What Would Jesus Do?" Those were awesome. And sometimes the answer is He would flip tables and whip somebody! Knowing that makes me smile when I think of a saying I heard recently... WWJS. It means "What Would Jesus Say?" Or, "Who Would Jesus Slap?" I know that is shocking and the first time I heard it I was taken aback. But the reality is,  I know a few individuals that constantly, perpetually, passive-aggressively attack, criticize, complain, and gossip about everything, and I am like, I think perhaps you are on that list. So for those of us that Jesus might slap, here are a few questions I always ask...

Does it need said? Does it need said now? Does it glorify God?

 If we can't say yes to these things, no matter what excuse we come up with, we just shouldn't say it. The reality is people are going to hell and we are way too concerned with getting things the way we want them to be able to ever effectively reach anybody for Christ. Stop complaining and remember we deserve death. The only thing we are entitled to is God's grace, not everything else we think we deserve. #YouKnowWhoYouAreAndIHopeTheSlapDoesntKnockYourTeethOutBecauseHeIsMighty