An Alcoholic Pastor?!?!

 Just a heads up, this is going to be a long post. But it is very personal and from my heart. So take the time to read...

A few years ago my life was great. I was pastoring the greatest group of people to ever come together to worship God. We were having a blast, serving the Lord, loving one another, and just all around living our lives on purpose. But then one night, I made a bad decision and went somewhere I really shouldn’t have. I thought I could be of help. But I wasn’t. Instead I was put in a position where I had to defend myself against someone I loved dearly. Still love to this day.

The fallout of all of this was tremendous. A lot of people had a lot of things to say, and the media was not so kind to me. Nor were people I had never even met. People I loved walked away. Friendships were shaken. My family was devastated. It didn’t just affect me, but also my wife was constantly hearing about it at work, and our kids were being messed with at school. Everybody had something to say about the pastor that beat a man up. But no one was there that night to know how terrifying it was.

For me, in my mind, I didn’t understand how this could happen. How could I be in this situation? I had given so much of myself to the people I served and this community. I had been fighting the good fight and advancing the kingdom of Heaven. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly had my flaws, in fact, I still have a lot of flaws. But I didn’t understand how God could let me go from serving Him and His name to facing serving hard time. My charges were upgraded to a felony and I was devastated. I found myself very mad at God. I felt like He had betrayed me. I wish I could sit here and type tonight that I had the faith of Peter, or of Daniel, or of Joseph. Shoot, before all of this happened, I honestly thought I had that type of faith. But man, this shook me to my core. And I realized I didn’t have that type of faith.

Because I was hurt and angry at God, I didn’t feel like I could turn to Him. It seemed my world was coming apart and it was having a horrible affect on my marriage and my family. I needed help. I needed escape. And for a while, I began to find that escape in a bottle. I began drinking more than I ever had. I had never believed that drinking in moderation was wrong or sinful. But this was not moderation. I was drinking a lot.  Daily. And I began looking forward to that first drink each day. God wasn’t helping me, but that bottle sure seemed to be. It numbed me to the chaos that was my life.

Things began unraveling for me. I would drink to escape the pain, and then I would wake up and feel the guilt and shame of being a so called “man of the cloth”, but having drunken myself into a stupor the night before. And I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I was afraid, ashamed, and lonely. I was terrified if I told someone, they would judge. So I became one of the things I preached against. I was a hypocrite. And I despised myself for it.

Now, a normal, sane person would at this point in the story decide that they should quit drinking. For me, it had the opposite effect. I drank more. And the worst part, I continued to live my life as a lie, because I continued to lead the church and to preach the gospel on Sundays. As you can imagine at this point, this only led to more guilt and shame. More drinking.

I was becoming aware that this was a problem. I was starting to see I couldn’t live this way. To preach the good news about a God who I was mad at. To tell people how to overcome when I was living defeated. And then I took a second trip to Guatemala to a village with some people I love. It was refreshing. Reinvigorating. I felt God and His presence. I thought everything was going to be okay and that I would no longer have to drink that way. I just needed to leave it alone and commune with God. And I did.

Things began going good. I was feeling good about myself and thought okay, I can just forget about the past year because God has forgiven me. It’s time to continue doing the work. Don’t worry about what has happened or will happen. Just do what you are supposed to do. So I got back into a place of authentic ministry and my marriage started improving. Things were getting better. The church was in a pivotal place and we all prayed and decided to move into a new building as a leap of faith. Life was exciting again!

Until three really awesome things came together at the same time and I wanted to celebrate.  We completed the work on our new location and launched on our decided date. I was able to help my wife get an amazing new job, and my oldest son was graduating high school. This was a “good” reason to get a bottle and have a good time with my wife. We would have a few drinks and have fun. The problem is, something I have learned as an alcoholic, for me, one drink is too many because a thousand is never enough.

That night did not turn out to be fun. It was a terrible and terrifying night and when it was all said and done, I was in jail. Not once, but twice. I had hurt and scared my family. And my life was in ruins.  A lot of fingers could be pointed in a lot of directions about that night, but when it comes down to it, I am responsible for my own actions and I made a choice to jeopardize everything when I brought that bottle of alcohol home. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had come to the place where I knew that I had developed a full blown case of the debilitating and destructive disease known as alcoholism.

Alas, I did not know or admit that then. But I did know that I loved the church I pastored and I could no longer pastor. I was not qualified to be a pastor. Having established the bylaws when we planted, I set up a provision that allowed for my removal from the role by the leadership team if I ever had a moral failure or became disqualified to pastor.  I began talking with the leaders and my accountability team, and let them know I was going to resign. But we decided the best course of action to protect the integrity of the church was for me to be removed from my position so that we could say the church acted swiftly and decisively in her handling of my deplorable actions. Some people have called into question whether things should have been handled differently. I still stand by the leadership to this day in believing we handled my removal the best way we could have.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come though. I had always preached restoration of fallen brothers and sisters. Loving them through their failures and helping them find their way back into the light. I had modeled being there for people and walking with them through pain, suffering, and bad decisions. That was not, however, entirely my experience when I was the one that messed up and needed people around me. And I will not negate for a second that there were a few champions that rose up and embraced me. That tried to help me navigate through the damage I had caused. But that number was few. I had become a leper to most. And in all fairness, I can say understandably so. That didn’t take away the sting though.

So my life in ruins. Feeling alone. My ministry, and name tarnished. And the most painful part of all... I had disgraced the name of Jesus Christ. I was supposed to be His ambassador. I failed Him miserably. I failed my wife and children miserably. I failed the church miserably.

What do we suppose happens now? Well, I drank. I drank and made bad choices. I drank and got behind the wheel of a vehicle. I drank and I got a DUI. Then I drank some more and almost died. Then I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore.  My wife and I were separated. I now had 3 criminal charges against me.  I didn’t want to do that anymore. I needed to stop drinking for a while. At least until my life was better and it was “safe” for me to resume drinking in moderation and on special occasions again.

I sobered up. I began getting in God’s word and spending time with Him. I knew He could help restore my marriage. I knew He could help me. Looking back today though, with clear eyes, I see that I was using God for what He could do for me. But it was working. I faced the consequences of my actions and was able to make reparations in my marriage. After a long summer, I finally came home.

I wish I could tell you that is when things finally got better, but I can’t. There was still too much going on within me that I wasn’t even honest with my therapist about. And I still had in my head that I was okay, that alcohol wasn’t the problem. I still believed that the problem was everything that had happened externally. Because I didn’t really dig into the root of the problems, which were me, inevitably it was all going to come down on me again and it didn’t take long.

Not long after returning home, since our marriage was being worked on, my wife and I thought we could have a couple drinks here and there like “normal” people. Insane, right? But that is what we thought. And that is what we did. At first it was okay. A couple little hiccups here and there, but no big deal. But it didn’t take long for the drinking to progress. Alcoholism is, after all, a progressive and fatal disease if not treated.  I still had way too much resentment in me. I still hadn’t fully accepted responsibility. I was still mad at myself and the world. Honestly, I still harbored resentment even towards God. Plus, there was still a felony trial looming over my head. I was so nervous about it. I knew God was going to show up in it, but I couldn’t believe that over my fear and anxiety.

Finally the trial date came and God really did show up and show out. The charges were dropped mid trial when it was admitted and confirmed that I was assaulted and attacked that night almost two years prior when I responded in self defense. The night my life fully began a descent into madness. The news stations picked up the story of my case being dismissed and led the evening news with the story. I had been vindicated! Happy ending, right?  No. Because I still hadn’t addressed the issues within me.

I continued drinking after the charges were dropped. I was so selfish and inconsiderate. But in my mind, I thought if you had been through what I had been through, you would drink too.  Then to top things off, the person I loved that attacked me died very unexpectedly and in a tragic manner.  This led to more drinking. 

It wasn’t long though before I finally began to see for the first time that my circumstances were not causing the problem. I was the problem. And alcohol was what I used to cope with myself.  I decided it was time to quit drinking. Again though, I thought, at least until I’m healthy in my mind and spirit. Then I can have a drink every now and then, like “normal” people.  While I knew that alcohol had become a problem in and of itself, I honestly still did not know the extent of it.

So I quit drinking and things got quite a bit better. Not perfect, just better. I still had issues within me that had not been addressed. Alcohol just magnified them. I started making, for the most part, good choices again. At least I thought I was in my twisted mind. Without the bottle in my life, it was becoming marginally manageable. And 2020 arrived. My world, just like everyone else’s was shaken. COVID was spreading and the world was coming to an end, and only the hoarders could take care of their paperwork after taking care of their business #2.  All the “normal” people are making the best they can of it, and the memes start flying around about the youngest generation will have been homeschooled by day drinkers. Drinking helped people cope with the fear of the still scary pandemic.

I could do that too you know? Have a couple drinks and not stress over the pandemic. Let loose and have a little fun. I have only drank twice in the past six months, so surely its not big deal? I mean, I’m in a good place, a small bottle won’t hurt, right? So it began.

I initially picked up one small bottle that was split with my wife. The next weekend, since we had a good time and were able to “control” it, I got more. And the next weekend even more.  Then even more.  In six weeks it went from one pint over the weekend at the onset of quarantine, to on my last weekend drinking, two half gallons and a fifth of rum. 

I had my last drink on May 4th, 2020. The day I woke up in jail without a clue why I was there. The day I woke up. The day I admitted I have a problem and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not go on like that any longer.  The day my life changed.  I woke up in that jail cell and I cried out to God. Not with any pretenses. I cried out to Him to please help me. Not to help me get out of jail. To help me live life. To take control of my life. To get me the help I didn’t know before that I needed. I was a pastor you see, I had it all figured out. But that day I realized I didn’t have anything figured out and that the only answer to my living problem was God. I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to quit drinking and to learn how to live. I was ready to address that I am the problem. And I knew I needed help to do it. I knew I needed treatment.

When I got out of jail, I began making calls, trying to get help. I called several treatment centers trying to get in. That’s when God spoke the name of an old friend to me. I called my old friend who has helped a lot of people overcome addiction. He said, “Man, I know a place that would be perfect for you.” He told me the name of a place I will forever be grateful for when he said, “Let me call Serenity Park and I will call you tomorrow.” I was going through some mild DT’s from my weekend binge. But I was not going to go back to the bottle. I was done. I toughed it out and the next day he called me. He let me know he had talked to them and I was supposed to call. So I called. I told them everything in a nutshell. And I told them I couldn’t live this way anymore. I needed help. The awesome young woman I talked to told me that she would talk to her supervisors and see what they could do. I had lost my job so I didn’t have insurance.

What is insurance to God though? He has the cattle on a thousand hills. And when we turn to Him with truly repentant, genuinely broken hearts, He provides in ways we cannot imagine.  The lady, who is the intake coordinator, eventually  called me back and told me that I had been accepted. I asked how I was going to pay? She let me know that it was taken care of. I just needed to show up.  So I did.  And it was literally one of the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life.

At Serenity Park I had to confront face to face not only my alcoholism, but also my own selfish and sinful nature. I learned how to cope. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to live in the day. I learned that yes, God’s grace is sufficient, but it is sufficient only for each day. That is why we are not supposed to dwell too much on yesterday, or to worry about tomorrow. Today is what is here. Today is what is in front of me. And today is all I have. I learned that I am only in control of my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. I learned that people don’t make me get upset, I let myself get upset at people. And I learned that what I could not do on my own, God most certainly could if I would get out of the way and let Him.

I completed treatment at Serenity Park on June 8th and began the process of rebuilding my life.  I have been letting God work on me. I have been letting God change me. I have been letting Him heal me. And while I still fail, I have learned to take a daily inventory of where I am at, confess my wrongs to God, and learn from my mistakes. I am seeing health in every area of my life. Each day gets better.  I don’t have everything figured out, but I do have two things figured out... 1)  I am an alcoholic and I can never have a drink again. I have peace with that. I understand I can’t do what others do. I have the disease of alcoholism and it will never go away. It’s only in remission as long as I don’t have a drink. 2) I have to depend on God daily,  every day. A friend of mine told me that I have been fired from managing my life and that I am not eligible for rehire. From this point forward, I answer to God directly. That made perfect sense to me.

So that’s what I keep doing, every day. One day at a time. And it is amazing. God has gone over and above in providing. He opened the door for a better job. He has met every need. He has displayed Himself in such miraculous ways. Even to the point that when I went to court for my final jailing, the charges were dropped and the case was dismissed. Yes, He truly does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.

Now I’m going to end this story for tonight, but before I do, I want to say a couple of things:

1. If you experienced hurt from me in any way, I want you to know I am so immensely sorry. I truly apologize to every one I hurt. I know there are so, so many people that got caught in the wake of my path of destruction. I apologize from the bottom of my heart if you feel hurt or betrayed by any of my actions. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many things I wish I could undo. But I can’t. Just know that I am committed to my recovery and I am committed to Jesus. It is my intention to never have another drink and to live the rest of my life according to God’s will and ways.

2.  God is not responsible for my actions or the things I have done. I am. I have said countless times to many, many people not to put me on a pedestal because I would let them down. So if you have lost sight of God because of me, God is not the one who let you down. A broken, sinful man that desperately needs Jesus on a daily, moment by moment basis let you down.  I am not God and I have stopped pretending otherwise. God is God and I can’t live without Him.

3. No matter what you are facing, no matter what you have done, if you will turn to Him, if you will accept responsibility and make the appropriate changes with a repentant heart, you cannot imagine the blessings that you will experience. Your blessings may not be the same as mine, but I promise you, in Him you can truly find a peace that surpasses understanding.

4. If you or someone you love is struggling with alcoholism or drug addiction, please don’t be afraid to get help. Reach out to me. I will do my best to point you in the right direction.  And you can always call Serenity Park at 501-313-0066. Someone will answer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You will not find a better place to find healing from you addiction. You can also check their website at serenityparkrecovery.com.

5. I don’t know what the rest of my life looks like. I try to just focus on today. But I do know that I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and I owe everything to Him. I should be dead. Multiple times over. But He has not only saved me, He has also spared me. That leads me to believe that while my focus is on today, I can see how each day keeps getting better and better, and the best is yet to come! Don’t give up hope. Your life has value and meaning. God woke you up today, same as He did me. That means He is not through with us. I don’t know about you, but I am tired of wasting my life. So I am going to take it as it comes, one day at a time, constantly chasing Jesus to the best of my ability.

Lastly, I just want you to know, if you are reading this, you are most likely on my friends list. That means I love you. And for those that may read this that I don’t know, I love you too. I am praying that my story may help someone. Maybe it is for the person that thinks “that could never happen to me”.  Maybe it is for the person that is struggling to overcome, maybe this is the reminder that when we admit our problem and surrender it to God, He will deliver us.  Or maybe it is for someone that has despised me and not been able to grasp how it all happened and just wanted some answers.  I have not gone into great detail on everything. But this is the summary of how I fell, and what I thought and felt as I was falling. That doesn’t mean that my thoughts or feelings were always accurate. It is just how I felt and thought when I was going through it. That being said, I am praying, literally praying that this open letter, post, whatever you want to call it makes a difference in someone’s life. Because it is not a story about me. This is God’s story in my life. This is my testimony. And we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony. You are in my prayers and I send my love to you.

-Derek